Is it wrong to sleep with a married man?

Today I am going to focus on one question that's been popping up a lot lately.  At least, it has where I have been listening, anyway.  The question: When a man cheats, is the "other woman" at fault?

I think it is a little bit weird that when a man cheats, the "other woman" tends to get a pretty big share of the blame.  However, when a woman cheats, blame is rarely placed on the "other man" (so little, in fact, that that isn't even really a phrase that people use).  My personal sentiment is that when someone cheats, it is largely, if not entirely, the fault of the cheater.  I think that when someone cheats, anger toward the "other" person is understandable, yet misplaced and often a way of avoiding the real issue of dealing with the cheating partner.  Dealing with cheating in a relationship can be a big and daunting obstacle, but one way or another, if you have been cheated on, you have to step up and face that obstacle - generally either by breaking up with the person or putting some serious effort into working out your issues (but if you have a better idea, please let me know in the comments).

If you are in a situation where you are given the opportunity to become the "other woman," my advice would be not to take it.  Here are my reasons:

- Drama will ensue

- If you think the man is going to leave his wife/girlfriend/partner for you, you are probably wrong

- Even if you are right, can you really trust a man who you know is prone to sneaking around?

Fighting Fair (or STOP FIGHTING)

Today I want to talk about arguing. Even though the title of the article says "fighting fair" it is important that you know I am referring to arguing and not physically punching each other out. I'm hoping that if you learn something from this post, it will not result in a physical altercation between you and your loved one. If it does, feel free to complain to me in an email or in the comments.

My favorite arch-nemesis Dr. Phil talks to great length about the importance of "fighting fair". His rules are generally pretty good guidelines for how not to let an argument get too out of control. Keeping it private and avoiding character assassinations are big ones for preventing an argument from getting too big too quickly. But many of the arguments we have are about things that are important to work out, and sometimes fighting just isn't the right way to make decisions in your relationship.

Making Decisions Together


Many decisions which you make in life do not need to involve your significant other in any way.  You should always have the final say in deciding what college you should go to,what kind of job you want to pursue, and who you hang out with, and you'll rarely require extensive input from your SO on these things (not that their input isn't often valuable).  Despite this, there are some things which you and your partner will have to agree on, such as how long before you should move in together, how much time spent together is enough, how much is too much, and whether or not you should completely disown that mutual friend who totally violated your girlfriend's cat even though he was totally drunk and didn't really know what he was doing (by the way, he is lucky he still has his fingers).  For decisions like these, arguing, no matter how "fair", won't result in a solution because both of you will be too focused on telling the other person why they are wrong.  So how do we go about making decisions together?

The first step is understanding where the other person is coming from.  Truly trying to see things from another person's point of view doesn't mean that you will have to become convinced by them, and giving yourself a little insight into their perspective can even help you make your point in a lot of cases.  On the other hand, not really listening to the other person is one way to ensure that your argument will continue indefinitely, and no compromise will ever be reached.  When you show a person that you understand where they are coming from, it softens the anger and hurt feelings that come with a disagreement and makes them feel cared for.

Make sure your position is understood.  Once you have demonstrated to your SO that you are willing to really listen to what they have to say, they should be much more inclined to show you the same courtesy (whether it is because they are inspired or just feel obligated depends on the person... either way, you have his/her ear now, so make the most of it).  State what you think the ideal arrangement would be, and be sure to mention how it would be better for the both of you.  Remember, you want to seem be considerate, it is him/her that you are trying to convince, so take their feelings into account.

If that didn't convince them, the next step is compromise.  If both sides presented their cases, trying their best to think of how the decision might affect the other person as well, and no decision was able to be agreed upon, then you are both just going to have to come to some kind of compromise.  Try to find an arrangement that works the best for both of you.  She can sit through watching football together on Mondays (that's when football is on TV, right?), and on Thursdays you can both get manicures together... Or maybe you will do stuff together that you both like, and the stuff that you disagree about you can just do on your own or with your other friends.  Maybe you can agree to hang out with that friend still, but avoid seeing him when he is drunk (or just don't let him near your cat).  Not everything is black and white, but some things are important to figure out together and decide where you would both like to draw the line.

Single, Jobless, and Looking

So I haven't updated in a while, sorry about that. But now I'd like to jump right in to answering a question from a very special reader:

Dear Ava:
I recently graduated college and I'm currently looking for work in a difficult market. I've had a few interviews, but no offers so far. I'm also single and lonely but I am afraid to go out looking for a boyfriend when I'm not currently supporting myself, because I don't want to seem like I'm just looking for someone to leech money off of. Do I need to put my whole search for love on hold until I find employment?
Lonely and Jobless

Dear Lonely and Jobless:
These are tough times, and I certainly feel your pain about not having a job. It is true that if you are too forward about your romantic intentions with someone, especially if they are "economically desirable", it could come across as financially motivated. If you would like to avoid this perception, you have to take your relationships slowly and show a lot of interest in getting to know the man and not his wallet. Responsible men can tell who is interested in them personally and who is sizing up their potential earnings by what kinds of questions they ask. Try to focus on the man's personality and what his interests are, don't ask too many questions or be overly interested in things like where he lives, the size of his house/apartment, his car, etc. If the topic of his career comes up, try to focus more on what he does and how much he likes it, rather than how much responsibility he has and if he is in charge. Also talk about your own job search and how it is going, this way he knows that you are putting in effort, and eventually your hard work should pay off. If you are genuine about these things, men will be able to pick up on it, and you seem like someone who is genuinely interested in (and capable of) taking care of herself. Best of luck!
Ava Rose

"Being Yourself"

Hello readers. Today I thought I would discuss two different schools of thought when it comes to dating, and how I think best to balance them.

"Be Yourself" is a rather clichéd message which many of us have been hearing for most of our lives from parents, educators, the media, etc, etc. In our hearts I think most of us do get the sense that there is something at our core that we ought to be properly representing in real life. But many of us are also getting much different messages (frequently from the same sources) when it comes to dating, ones telling us how we ought to act, speak, dress, and even think. As much as our friends, family, media, and hearts tell us how important it is to be true to ourselves, in practice we often dismiss this advice.

Why do we do this? Well, one could say we throw away this advice because we do not find it practical. "Sure, I would love to be true to myself, but this is not a helpful or reasonable method of getting someone to date me." This reasoning in itself demonstrates a lack of confidence in one's own "natural attractiveness", as it implies that one must act contrary to one's own nature in order to score a mate. That said, it is also important to take into account the feelings of others, particularly if one hopes to pursue some kind of romantic interest. Which brings us to the question of...

What do I do? Ahhhh, here is the part where I actually have to give some advice. Ok, here goes...

Doing/saying what you feel like vs. "fitting in" - All of us, in all likelihood, have at one time or another stifled a thought, opinion, or idea in order to avoid being the recipient of funny looks (or worse). This is not usually problematic. However when one is seeking out potential relationships it is important that the way you act accurately represents the way you are in order to avoid unpleasant surprises if/when the relationship should progress. This isn't to say that you can't leave anything to the imagination upon first meeting a man/woman. People (shockingly) do not expect to learn everything there is to know about a person on first meeting. However, the important thing here is not to misrepresent yourself. It is ok to not loudly argue with someone who disagrees with you, and that doesn't make you without integrity. A violation of this would be if you were to outright state a belief which in your heart you disagreed with, just because everyone else (or maybe just one very attractive person) felt that way. If you have to put in effort to convince people that you are someone or some way that you know you are not, then it isn't worth it. That sort of pretending only leads to trouble down the line when you get sick of always putting on a show, and they realize that the person they fell for doesn't actually exist.

It's not all about you - While it is a bad idea to pretend to be someone you are not, there is a big difference between faking it and simply being open to new things. "Being yourself" doesn't mean being set in your ways, and it important that you show some interest in what the other person likes. You don't have to fake it and pretend like it is your favorite thing in the world, but if you demonstrate that you are willing to try new and different things the person you are with will likely appreciate it.

The Bottom Line - The important thing to remember here is not to misrepresent yourself. Don't pretend to be something you are not, but you don't have to immediately reveal things that may be embarrassing. Also, if you are willing to try something that the other person likes, don't be afraid to say that instead of faking like that was your favorite thing the whole time. They will appreciate you trying new things for them, and if you try to fake it they will figure out sooner or later and be disappointed.

I hope this advice was helpful, and don't be afraid to leave comments (communication is important and all that).

RETURN OF THE BLOG

Greetings blog patrons! So it would appear that I created this blog in the early days of my radio show, and then stopped updating once I began podcasting my radio show. However, since my radio show is no longer on, I've decided to keep the relationship advice flowing by bringing this blog back. And spectacularly, I have already received a listener question that I will share with you:

Dear Ava,

I’ve tuned into your show from time to time and really enjoy it.

I am a guy who has not had a lot of success with women. For a while, I was an AFC (Average Frustrated Chump), but during college, I’ve read dating advice books for men and got tips from friends who are good with women, and I think they’ve helped me become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality. But it’s still not reflecting in my “dating resume”. I think a really important tip I learned was to be open and friendly to everyone in a group before moving on to a girl I’m interested in, because girls are hypersensitive about guys approaching them and would rather see what you’re really like instead of your “player” mode. But this feels like a really passive way to get girls, and I hate leaving things up to chance.

How do I communicate that I’m a desirable guy without scaring girls off?

My Response:

Thank you for submitting your question, and I like your tip about being friendly to everyone in a group before you start "targeting" (hitting on) one particular person. I think that the key to communicating that you are desirable is to be confident. If you know that you are someone worth being with and you let that show, women (or men) will pick up on it. There is a difference however, between having some self-esteem and being overconfident/snobbish/conceited/self-important/pompous/an all-around jerk. Here are some tips about what to do and what to avoid:

DO
- Be interesting. This may seem silly, but if you're having trouble gathering up your confidence before you go out, try thinking of all the interesting things about yourself. What are some interesting things you have done? Do you have any interesting stories you could tell? Any interesting hobbies? As long as everything you tell is true, this should paint a picture of you that is not only interesting but also accurate, so your date won't be disappointed later about having been lied to (they generally do not take kindly to that).
- Be interested. Meeting people isn't only about finding people who are willing to hang out with/date you. Confident people have their own set of things they are looking for in a date. Talk to people and get to know what they are like and what their interests are. This will not only help you weed out people that you are not interested in, but it will show the people that you are interested in that you want to get to know them better.
- Look for things you have in common. While you shouldn't be treating potential dates as though they are a member of the backstreet boys and you are a 13 year old girl (in the 90s), you should try to highlight those things that you like about the other person. However, instead of just complimenting them, incorporate yourself by saying not just how great they are, but how great they are for you. Flattery from a potential suitor doesn't always seem like much, but focusing on the things that bring you together will provide the two of you with a feeling of connection to one another.

DON'T
- Put people down. Real confident people don't need to put others down to make themselves feel good. I know there are sources out there that like to differ with me on this, but guides to dating that suggest putting people down as a method of picking up chicks or "scoring" do not succeed at producing lasting relationships, and are really only good if your goal is to briefly take advantage of someone with low self-esteem. And if that is your goal... well I will save that topic for another day.
- Fall in "love" too soon. Like I said in the last section, you want to show interest without acting like you are totally immediately sold on them. If a person gets the feeling that you want them really badly when you don't even know much about them, this can come off as creepy or desperate and can be a MAJOR turn-off.

Remember, when dealing with confidence, the two things to watch out for are being either to needy or too pompous. Try to find that middle ground where you can take the high road and treat everyone with respect while holding onto your dignity. In the early stages of meeting potential dates, it is generally best just to concentrate on getting to know the other person, and if they are interested in you, then they will want to get to know you as well. Best of luck.

New website/podcast!

You can now get episodes of Private Affairs from our new site/podcast at privateaffairs.mypodcast.com.

New Time!

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't updated in forever, this semester I actually intend on updating this thing and making episodes available so keep checking back!

The show starts up again this Friday at its new time 4-5PM, so tune in at www.whrwfm.org! If you're interested in being on the panel, email me at FeedMiSeymour@yahoo.com.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day!