"Being Yourself"

Hello readers. Today I thought I would discuss two different schools of thought when it comes to dating, and how I think best to balance them.

"Be Yourself" is a rather clichéd message which many of us have been hearing for most of our lives from parents, educators, the media, etc, etc. In our hearts I think most of us do get the sense that there is something at our core that we ought to be properly representing in real life. But many of us are also getting much different messages (frequently from the same sources) when it comes to dating, ones telling us how we ought to act, speak, dress, and even think. As much as our friends, family, media, and hearts tell us how important it is to be true to ourselves, in practice we often dismiss this advice.

Why do we do this? Well, one could say we throw away this advice because we do not find it practical. "Sure, I would love to be true to myself, but this is not a helpful or reasonable method of getting someone to date me." This reasoning in itself demonstrates a lack of confidence in one's own "natural attractiveness", as it implies that one must act contrary to one's own nature in order to score a mate. That said, it is also important to take into account the feelings of others, particularly if one hopes to pursue some kind of romantic interest. Which brings us to the question of...

What do I do? Ahhhh, here is the part where I actually have to give some advice. Ok, here goes...

Doing/saying what you feel like vs. "fitting in" - All of us, in all likelihood, have at one time or another stifled a thought, opinion, or idea in order to avoid being the recipient of funny looks (or worse). This is not usually problematic. However when one is seeking out potential relationships it is important that the way you act accurately represents the way you are in order to avoid unpleasant surprises if/when the relationship should progress. This isn't to say that you can't leave anything to the imagination upon first meeting a man/woman. People (shockingly) do not expect to learn everything there is to know about a person on first meeting. However, the important thing here is not to misrepresent yourself. It is ok to not loudly argue with someone who disagrees with you, and that doesn't make you without integrity. A violation of this would be if you were to outright state a belief which in your heart you disagreed with, just because everyone else (or maybe just one very attractive person) felt that way. If you have to put in effort to convince people that you are someone or some way that you know you are not, then it isn't worth it. That sort of pretending only leads to trouble down the line when you get sick of always putting on a show, and they realize that the person they fell for doesn't actually exist.

It's not all about you - While it is a bad idea to pretend to be someone you are not, there is a big difference between faking it and simply being open to new things. "Being yourself" doesn't mean being set in your ways, and it important that you show some interest in what the other person likes. You don't have to fake it and pretend like it is your favorite thing in the world, but if you demonstrate that you are willing to try new and different things the person you are with will likely appreciate it.

The Bottom Line - The important thing to remember here is not to misrepresent yourself. Don't pretend to be something you are not, but you don't have to immediately reveal things that may be embarrassing. Also, if you are willing to try something that the other person likes, don't be afraid to say that instead of faking like that was your favorite thing the whole time. They will appreciate you trying new things for them, and if you try to fake it they will figure out sooner or later and be disappointed.

I hope this advice was helpful, and don't be afraid to leave comments (communication is important and all that).

RETURN OF THE BLOG

Greetings blog patrons! So it would appear that I created this blog in the early days of my radio show, and then stopped updating once I began podcasting my radio show. However, since my radio show is no longer on, I've decided to keep the relationship advice flowing by bringing this blog back. And spectacularly, I have already received a listener question that I will share with you:

Dear Ava,

I’ve tuned into your show from time to time and really enjoy it.

I am a guy who has not had a lot of success with women. For a while, I was an AFC (Average Frustrated Chump), but during college, I’ve read dating advice books for men and got tips from friends who are good with women, and I think they’ve helped me become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality. But it’s still not reflecting in my “dating resume”. I think a really important tip I learned was to be open and friendly to everyone in a group before moving on to a girl I’m interested in, because girls are hypersensitive about guys approaching them and would rather see what you’re really like instead of your “player” mode. But this feels like a really passive way to get girls, and I hate leaving things up to chance.

How do I communicate that I’m a desirable guy without scaring girls off?

My Response:

Thank you for submitting your question, and I like your tip about being friendly to everyone in a group before you start "targeting" (hitting on) one particular person. I think that the key to communicating that you are desirable is to be confident. If you know that you are someone worth being with and you let that show, women (or men) will pick up on it. There is a difference however, between having some self-esteem and being overconfident/snobbish/conceited/self-important/pompous/an all-around jerk. Here are some tips about what to do and what to avoid:

DO
- Be interesting. This may seem silly, but if you're having trouble gathering up your confidence before you go out, try thinking of all the interesting things about yourself. What are some interesting things you have done? Do you have any interesting stories you could tell? Any interesting hobbies? As long as everything you tell is true, this should paint a picture of you that is not only interesting but also accurate, so your date won't be disappointed later about having been lied to (they generally do not take kindly to that).
- Be interested. Meeting people isn't only about finding people who are willing to hang out with/date you. Confident people have their own set of things they are looking for in a date. Talk to people and get to know what they are like and what their interests are. This will not only help you weed out people that you are not interested in, but it will show the people that you are interested in that you want to get to know them better.
- Look for things you have in common. While you shouldn't be treating potential dates as though they are a member of the backstreet boys and you are a 13 year old girl (in the 90s), you should try to highlight those things that you like about the other person. However, instead of just complimenting them, incorporate yourself by saying not just how great they are, but how great they are for you. Flattery from a potential suitor doesn't always seem like much, but focusing on the things that bring you together will provide the two of you with a feeling of connection to one another.

DON'T
- Put people down. Real confident people don't need to put others down to make themselves feel good. I know there are sources out there that like to differ with me on this, but guides to dating that suggest putting people down as a method of picking up chicks or "scoring" do not succeed at producing lasting relationships, and are really only good if your goal is to briefly take advantage of someone with low self-esteem. And if that is your goal... well I will save that topic for another day.
- Fall in "love" too soon. Like I said in the last section, you want to show interest without acting like you are totally immediately sold on them. If a person gets the feeling that you want them really badly when you don't even know much about them, this can come off as creepy or desperate and can be a MAJOR turn-off.

Remember, when dealing with confidence, the two things to watch out for are being either to needy or too pompous. Try to find that middle ground where you can take the high road and treat everyone with respect while holding onto your dignity. In the early stages of meeting potential dates, it is generally best just to concentrate on getting to know the other person, and if they are interested in you, then they will want to get to know you as well. Best of luck.