My favorite arch-nemesis Dr. Phil talks to great length about the importance of "fighting fair". His rules are generally pretty good guidelines for how not to let an argument get too out of control. Keeping it private and avoiding character assassinations are big ones for preventing an argument from getting too big too quickly. But many of the arguments we have are about things that are important to work out, and sometimes fighting just isn't the right way to make decisions in your relationship.
Making Decisions Together
Many decisions which you make in life do not need to involve your significant other in any way. You should always have the final say in deciding what college you should go to,what kind of job you want to pursue, and who you hang out with, and you'll rarely require extensive input from your SO on these things (not that their input isn't often valuable). Despite this, there are some things which you and your partner will have to agree on, such as how long before you should move in together, how much time spent together is enough, how much is too much, and whether or not you should completely disown that mutual friend who totally violated your girlfriend's cat even though he was totally drunk and didn't really know what he was doing (by the way, he is lucky he still has his fingers). For decisions like these, arguing, no matter how "fair", won't result in a solution because both of you will be too focused on telling the other person why they are wrong. So how do we go about making decisions together?
The first step is understanding where the other person is coming from. Truly trying to see things from another person's point of view doesn't mean that you will have to become convinced by them, and giving yourself a little insight into their perspective can even help you make your point in a lot of cases. On the other hand, not really listening to the other person is one way to ensure that your argument will continue indefinitely, and no compromise will ever be reached. When you show a person that you understand where they are coming from, it softens the anger and hurt feelings that come with a disagreement and makes them feel cared for.
Make sure your position is understood. Once you have demonstrated to your SO that you are willing to really listen to what they have to say, they should be much more inclined to show you the same courtesy (whether it is because they are inspired or just feel obligated depends on the person... either way, you have his/her ear now, so make the most of it). State what you think the ideal arrangement would be, and be sure to mention how it would be better for the both of you. Remember, you want to
If that didn't convince them, the next step is compromise. If both sides presented their cases, trying their best to think of how the decision might affect the other person as well, and no decision was able to be agreed upon, then you are both just going to have to come to some kind of compromise. Try to find an arrangement that works the best for both of you. She can sit through watching football together on Mondays (that's when football is on TV, right?), and on Thursdays you can both get manicures together... Or maybe you will do stuff together that you both like, and the stuff that you disagree about you can just do on your own or with your other friends. Maybe you can agree to hang out with that friend still, but avoid seeing him when he is drunk (or just don't let him near your cat). Not everything is black and white, but some things are important to figure out together and decide where you would both like to draw the line.
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